I’ve been out of school for almost four months now with a SUPER USEFUL BFA degree in screenwriting that basically tells every potential employer, “Forget that guy with a BS in sciencey-smart rocket surgery things. We want the girl who got through college by making up stories and talking to herself in a Starbucks at 6am in an attempt to write decent dialogue!”
I see that many of you, my peers, have moved to different cities for jobs and other exciting opportunities, and I must say, I feel sorry for all you and all that money you’re making (and probably eating… because when you have that much money, what else are you supposed to do with it? I wouldn’t know). While you were busy being employed and getting fed and not having to worry about how many cans of 74-cent tuna you could afford for the week, I was doing the exact opposite: worrying about how many cans of 74-cent tuna I could afford for the week.
I must say, though, life is great. In this period of time I’ve managed to do more than all of you stable-job-holders could even dream of doing! Though, a select few stand out:
1. I’ve gotten a minimum wage, part-time job at an ice cream shop. This one is fantastic because it makes my parents proud– they helped fund my $50k/year tuition in hopes I would follow my dreams and maybe become a successful writer. Well, I’m well on my way to that goal as I sell ice-cream-injected mochi to the public! AND I’m totally making more than enough money to be able to afford food that’s not in a can and pay off my student loans. Except not really.
2. I’ve gotten to really know my body. For instance, I now know that I crave sugar-free chocolate pudding every three hours unless I eat the raisins out of the trail mix within the first 45 minutes after I wake up in the morning. It only takes three hours for my butt, inner thighs, and crotch to fall asleep when I remain sedentary on the couch, buried in Hot Cheetos powder and watch “Nick Cannon Presents: Wild ‘n Out.” I can go about six hours without masturbating if I’m by myself; six and a half if I’m around others. Oh, and showering once a day is definitely overkill.
3. I’ve organized my daily plans around my Food Network viewing schedule. Early breakfast? Can’t do that– “Grill It! With Bobby Flay” is on, and damn it, it’s shrimp day! I have a script coverage deadline at noon? Sorry, I have to learn how to craft some lasagna rolls I’ll never actually make on “Giada at Home”. And don’t even think about calling to tell me my car is being towed at 6pm because that’s when I’m at a diner, drive-in, and/or dive with Guy Fieri as he calls things “money.”
Clearly I have my life, like, way more together than any of you fools who’ve had a job since the December before you graduated and are currently on your way to not having to rely on your parents for health insurance. And if you still think you’re better off than I am, I challenge you to answer this correctly: how many hours can you go without masturbating?