Smile

bitchface mcbee

smile

**This is not a statement about the great goddess Beesus or bunny sweaters or even bus stops, despite what it appears to be. Sorry if I’ve disappointed you already.

Oftentimes, I’ll walk down the street and be greeted by strangers. These strangers, as the doodle suggests, are often older and have an affinity for (the human version of the insect world’s Beegers) the Dodgers. I know, I’m probably “asking for it,” right? By dressing like an old woman who drinks hot chocolate and listens to NPR, while somehow still looking like a teenager who can get carded at R-rated movies? So, it shouldn’t be surprising or disturbing or annoying that I, along with pretty much every lady out there, am almost always “holla’d at” by fine gentlemen like this.

I never know how to respond to comments like this, other than keeping my head down and semi-sprinting away as I pretend I’m talking to my nonexistent UFC champion husband on the phone. No matter what, however, I’ve found that men like this don’t like to be ignored, and will often retaliate with words like, “Well, fuck you, you stuck-up bitch.” Nice. If your sad attempt at charming me didn’t work before, you’ve definitely won my heart now.

As much as I’d like to talk back, I never do– partially out of fear I’ll get stabbed with a prison-made shank, and partially because I don’t want to waste my energy on idiots like this because it won’t make a difference to them. They’ll just brush it off and prey on more ladies. Bitchface isn’t like me, though. She fights back, hoping to make street harassers feel as shitty and uncomfortable as they make us feel. But more importantly, she doesn’t get stabbed for doing so.

In my mind, after she says this, the Beegers fan takes the bus home (his mother’s, obviously) and sulks in his room while he thinks about how he and his friends shouldn’t fling unwarranted comments at women because they hurt and they’re irritating and also, when have these lines even worked on anyone ever? Then he eats dinner and plays Xbox, maybe not a completely changed dude, but at least it got him to think.

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