The Times I’ve Done Drugs

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I’ve done a fair number of drugs. You name it**, I’ve done it. But now that I’m an adult with a real part-time job and a Spotify Premium student discounted bill to pay every month, I’ve decided to give up this life of debauchery. However, my responsibilities will not deter me from reminiscing on the good times I’ve had or the times it got too out of control and got me saying, “I shouldn’t be alive.”

So, for your eyes only, here’s a comprehensive list of super hard drugs I’ve done that should’ve killed me:

1. Amoxicillin

A few days before I was supposed to start high school, I came down with bronchitis. I don’t get sick, but when I do, I get sick. I couldn’t get out of bed, and every night, my mom had to pound on my back to break up the green shit in my lungs so I wouldn’t choke on my own goddamn phlegm in my sleep. The doctor put me on oral steroids so I could walk, and the standard antibiotic called “amoxicillin,” so I wouldn’t die.

I found out it’s possible to have an allergic reaction to something that’s supposed to, you know, save your life, because I broke out in hives. I was that one lobster limping down the halls, asking where X-building was. It was a fate worse than death by choking on green lung shit in my sleep.

2. Pain Killers

I had all of my wisdom teeth removed, and was prescribed a small number of painkillers to take afterwards, whenever I felt like my jaw was going to explode. I took one, and immediately felt pretty nauseous because I hadn’t read the label that said, “take with food.”

By this time, it was too late. I got so sick that I couldn’t eat anything without throwing up, but was in so much pain that I had to take the pills. The next week was a constant cycle of taking pills that made me sick, and being unable to do the one thing that would stop them from making me sick because I was taking them.

Basically, I was stuck in my very own Wisdom Teeth Catch-22 Hell.

3. Weed

Since alcohol will literally kill me, I tried to get high via “the marijuana” a couple times in college. Mostly to seem cool. But also because I’m dumb.

I ate a pot brownie once to try to “turn up” for a party I miraculously wanted to attend one night. I ended up falling into a near-coma-like sleep, not hearing my ten alarms, and missing the (I’m sure) classy soiree entirely.

Thinking this was just a matter of “my body doesn’t respond well to a mixture of drugs and chocolate,” I tried smoking some from a colorful glass thing that looked like it would be used by a miniature Gandalf on acid (I’m told it’s called a “pipe”). And ended up eating an entire box of Cheese-Itz in half an hour.

4. Birth Control

I was stoked to start taking the birth control pill. It can make your periods shorter and more predictable, make you feel like an adult who has to remember to take medicine, and, from what I’ve heard, it can keep you from having a kid you don’t want to take care of (still skeptical about this).

An hour after I took the first one, I came down with a fever. I thought it was just Annie’s Body being silly ol’ Annie’s Body, and assumed it would get better. On the second day, I got a fever in a record 10 minutes, which was accompanied by radiating kneecaps that made me want to drown in pudding. My fever never broke and my knees still hurt the following day, so I thought I had nothing to lose by taking it again. Apparently, hips are a thing that can also feel like they’re on fire.

Call it bad timing or whatever, but while was dying, I also had to go to a funeral the next day. So, as everyone stood up to do respectful things, I was doubled over in a pew. I hope it looked like I was crying, and not trying to hold in puke (or, as I like to call it, “pew-ke”).

I’m now taking a different pill that only makes me throw up a few days per month, following the dreaded Period Week.

5. Vitamins

I started going to a naturopathic doctor, who believes in healing through anything but pharmaceutical drugs, aka my type of doctor. He said I was deficient in pretty much everything, and that I basically gave myself iron-deficiency anemia and was going to randomly faint some time soon.

I got a number of vitamins, which I was supposed to take every day, but I didn’t take them. Because I forgot. And because fish oil smells gross. One morning, though, I swallowed my pride, and decided to take all 8 pills before I left for work. I was sure I’d be feeling like a superhero lady person in no time.

So, of course I ended up throwing up in the work bathroom all morning until I had to be sent home for being disgusting.

The moral of the story: drugs are bad. Also, I’m probably going to be killed by a rogue Tylenol that sneaks its way into my vegan protein shake.

Oh, and if you work for Spotify, yes, I am still a student. Please don’t make me pay full price. 

**just don’t name cocaine, crack (are those the same thing?), heroin, bath salts, Adderall, those canned air blowers, or anything else like that because I’ve literally only done the things listed

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