The Time I Foiled an Evil Plan


On the same day that my therapist decided to ditch me, she also left me with a *super cool* bonding activity to complete with Bee. We got questionnaires to fill out for each other to supposedly prove how close we are, and in what areas we could still learn more. Personally, I think this was strategic, evil scheming. She knew I’d never be back to talk about the shitstorm she caused. Nonetheless, I convinced him to do it, and here’s what he had to say, along with my commentary:

What is your significant other’s favorite food? Ice cream/broccoli. He forgot soft pretzels, tabouli, and salsa that’s spicy as balls. 

What is your significant other’s favorite band? Fall Out Boy Panic! at the Disco. I turned down someone who wanted to buy my #FallOutBoyHiatusIsOver ticket for $400, and he still second-guessed himself. 

What would your significant other change about themselves if they could? How she thinks about her body. More abs, probably. Maybe boobs that could fill out an A-Cup. 

What is your significant other’s biggest fear? Losing the motivation she has to get things done. Jellyfish. It’s jellyfish.

What is your significant other’s greatest strength? Her creativity and sense of humor. Triceps and hamstrings, tbh. 

What helps your significant other relax? Knowing that there aren’t any more chores that have to be done. If he knows this, then why did I just spend the afternoon taking out the trash and vacuuming?

What arouses your significant other? Making her feel wanted. That’s cute. 

To be fair, my answers for him weren’t exactly spot on, especially because I used this as an opportunity to keep pointing out that his favorite band is Slipknot, and that he needs to eat more greens. There were a few important takeaways, however:

1. It’s been over two years, and we’re still learning about each other, despite thinking that we couldn’t possibly know more (except that I will literally puke if I see a jellyfish IRL, apparently).

2. Bee’s aware that he should be washing the dishes, putting his socks in the hamper (and not in a pile next to the TV), and scrubbing old food off the floor, but still leaves these things for me to do, knowing damn well that I can’t relax until they’re done.

3. He’s too embarrassed to write the word “dick” on paper.

4. His favorite band is Slipknot. Never forget.

5. My therapist’s plan to turn us against each other and be “conveniently out of your insurance network when you need help” was thwarted by myself, as well as the guy who thinks I’m 50 percent ice cream and 50 percent broccoli.

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