This month has not treated me so well, friends. In terms of opportunities and connections, it’s been great—don’t get me wrong. But I also fell off a treadmill, consumed so much citrus that it filled my mouth with canker cores, and developed candida on the corner of my mouth and had to use athlete’s foot cream to treat it. SO, that’s where I am currently. I’m going to take a deep breath in, and let it out, and dive deeper into what’s gone down.
About a month ago, I was teaching bootcamp-style a class at work, where clients switch from running on a treadmill to lifting weights on the floor (it’s actually really fun, and you should try it). During the class, I walked across the row of treadmills, being all cool, and failed to notice that one of them was still moving. I ate shit. I flew off and fell onto my right side while everyone turned around and watched it happen. I assured people I was okay, and kept teaching. I really did think I was okay—my knee felt bruised and my leg felt a little sore, but that was it.
But as the week progressed, I started to feel not-so-okay. I was having major hip pain in my right side, and my knee felt like it was getting progressively more bruised. But I kept walking/running/working out on it because I thought it was fine. When people would ask me if I was okay, I would say “yes”. It’s just soreness. It’s me being sensitive. I’m good. (Tip: when you are constantly in pain, it is not fine)
So, uh, the leg situation did not get better, but I did convince myself to go see a professional (progress!). Turns out I sprained my knee, did something with a disc (pinched? herniation?? I’m not a doctor, y’all) that made my right leg so weak that I failed all of the tests they put me through. It was not just soreness or sensitivity and it wasn’t all good. I was so convinced that I could just will myself through it that I made things even worse.
Last week, I got really into drinking lemon water. I’m not a hydrator by nature, so in order to get myself to consume liquid, it has to be flavored. It’s usually Coke Zero, tbh, and I was so happy when I figured out the perfect combination of things that did not contain artificial sweeteners or caramel coloring! Lemon + water. So simple! After a few days of this, I noticed that a bunch of canker sores were forming in my mouth. After a quick google search of “what causes canker sores”, I came to the conclusion that it was probably the acidity from the lemons.
So, I switched to limes. It did not make a difference, and definitely gave me more sores. But it’s okay, I told myself. I kept the drinking up, assuming my body would either get used to the citrus, or that I would get used to the feeling of a mouth full of sores like a dumbass. What I did not take into account was the fact that you can apparently develop candida on your mouth from disobeying the lemon gods. I developed a giant wound on the corner of my mouth that got worse day to day until I treated it with a combination of Neosporin, athlete’s foot cream, and hydrocortisone as of today, it is still there (but not as painful). Fun times!
This month has taught me a lot about pain thresholds and wound care, but more about being okay with admitting things are not fine. I’ve been thinking a lot about why I, personally, feel compelled to say that things are OK when they are clearly not, and I am falling apart from the inside out. I was literally dragging my leg around work, as I thought, “this is acceptable”. To someone looking at me, it would be so clear that it was definitely not. But I didn’t feel like that. I felt like I could get through it. I so wanted to will myself past it. But sometimes you can’t do that, and you just have to take the L and buy a bunch of generic ointments from Target. I think my biggest takeaways for now are:
- It’s okay to admit that I’m not feeling good.
- It’s not normal to be in pain and it does not make me weak to admit it.
- I was so smart for hoarding my anti-inflammatory meds when I still had health insurance.
I’ll continue to work on this for the next time my ass falls off a treadmill.